| | I don't know what came over me. One minute I was coloring and singing "Wheels on the Bus" with the girls, and the next minute I was fannying about in 1eather pants in front of a camera.
Perhaps I should explain.
This last pregnancy with Doodlebug was so different from my pregnancy with Babygirl. The first time around, I got a little pudgy. I didn't put on a ton of extra weight, just some uniform padding all over. I looked like a plush toy version of myself. And none of that nursing-as-weight-control business, my body held on to the fat--the better to manufacture this, I suppose. The extra weight didn't start to come off until I weaned Babygirl, although I got pregnant again right away so who can tell where Babygirl ends and Doodlebug begins.
Anyway, this time around, that spontaneous cocktail that is my hormones has decided to pare the weight off even though I am so hungry that I am eating anything that is not nailed down. I don't know how long I have until The Hormones realize what's been going on and start packing on the hibernation fat again, so in the meantime I am busting out what little remains of my pre-pregnancy skinny wardrobe.
I don't have much left--after Babygirl was born and I was sure the fat was here to stay, I gave most of my pre-pregnancy skinny clothes to the supercute and svelte Cindy. But today while the girls and I were playing in the nursery, I noticed that there was a forgotten stash of clothes in Babygirl's closet. Babygirl paused, crayon in the air, as I pulled my old 1eather pants out of the closet. "Shiny pants!," she enthused. Hmm, I wondered to myself. Could I still fit these? Does it even behoove me to try them on? After all, I am getting pretty old. Just trying these on could put me in Cougar territory. But am I really the same size I was during my swinging single days? I must know. There was only one thing to do: pants on, dignity off.
They fit! Provided I didn't need respiratory function. I was a sight to behold, and I mean that in the worst way possible. With the two little girls sitting at my feet and eyeing me with chagrin, I looked like a single mother on the prowl. Which is doubly bad because I am neither a single mother nor on the prowl. All I needed was a pack of smokes and a head full of double entendres.
As I was trying to squeeze my thumb under the waistband to unbutton the pants, I realized that I was standing directly in the path of Babygirl's video monitor camera. As some of you know, these video monitors have come under fire because neighbors can sometimes pick up the camera images; theoretically, a stranger could watch your child sleeping. Well, I think I solved that problem. No one is going to tune in again after watching an old lady try to shove her flab into 1eather pants. Either that or they are going to post the footage on youtube, with a raspy voiceover: "Smoke 'em if you got 'em!"
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| | Posted 4/13/2009 1:35 PM - 27 Views - 6 eProps - 4 comments
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